---

[Littlefinger]
Welcome to King's Landing,
a city of kings and whores
where anything can happen.

[Maester Pycelle]
Yes, quite right.

[Varys]
Do be careful, 'cause shit's
about to get real.

[Robert Baratheon]
Ho...
Well, I'm a fuckin' King!
Robert Baratheon, wrathful and nasty
When I drop the fuckin' hammer,
invade like a pathogen.
Now gimme three whores,
so I can smack that ass again,
and a build a bigger orphanage
to put all my bastards in!
My wife's a brother-fucker
and straight-up bitch
who gave me three blonde shits,
but her daddy is rich.
Wine!
All this arse-lickin''s makin' me sick
I thank the gods that a boar
put a tusk through my pancreas!

[Cersei]
I gestated my bro's DNA

[Tyrion]
Not mine.

[Cersei]
Though my inbred kids were okay
But I'm afraid that...

[Tyrion & Ned]
... Joffrey is a half-wit, demented,
sadistic piece of shit!

[Joffrey]
You better say that I'm the king
or I'll chop off your head I'll put
your genitals in the genital jar
I keep in a drawer beside my bed.

[Sansa]
Your grace...

[Joffrey]
Yes, give her a gift, hit her in the face.
Women are so weak and weary.
Bring her back when she has period.
Burn the traitors, crush the North,
kill the babies, fuck the poor,
I'm so bored with cutting out tongues,
but I'm gettin' it done, mutilating whores.

[Margaery]
Is this yours?

[Joffrey]
Yes, it is.

[Margaery]
Talk about killing - I love that shit!
Stabbing, hacking, blood and guts...

[Joffrey]
Hold on - I'm about to jizz!

[Varys]
Sadly, I cannot.

[Maester Pycelle]
No jizz, quite right.

[Littlefinger]
A sorcerer cut off your junk,
we know. At least it wasn't your head...

[Varys]
Poor Ned Stark. What will the North do?

[Maester Pycelle]
My jizz is like baking soda.

[Varys]
Stark bannermen?

[Stark bannermen]
Ooow, yeah!

[Littlefinger]
Why are they so fucking happy?

[Stark bannermen]
Ho! Hail, the king of the North, Robb Stark!

[Robb]
Yeah, yeah! We fight for independence,
it's a glorious day 'cause I married for love
and it's cool with the Freys!
Yeah, we're heading to a wedding,
gonna party today...
And I'm gonna be a dad?!
God, everything's great!

[Caitlyn]
Winter is coming!

[Robb]
So we'll hang out inside!

[Caitlyn]
But Winterfell burned down, Robb.

[Robb]
Look on the bright side!
Lemme hear my Starks:
are we doin' alright?

[Bran]
Father's dead, we're homeless
and I'm crippled for life.

[Rickon]
I'm hungry!

[Arya]
I'm alone in the middle of a war.

[Sansa]
I love the gay boy but I married the dwarf.

[Robb]
See, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout,
we're having a ball!

[Lysa Arryn]
I'm gonna breastfeed Robin
'til my breasts fall off!

[Stark bannermen]
We are the North!

[Robb]
Brienne, how's it going with the Kingslayer?

[Brienne]
Rapists have me and I'm fighting a bear!

[Robb]
Cool! How's it hangin', Theon?

[Theon]
Really bad!

[Arya]
I met a lady who had demons in her wag!

[Starks]
We are the North Side, ey!
Doin' it our own way!

[Robb]
Hey, it's my boy, Jon Snow! What up, Jon?

[Sam Tarly]
Um, hello... We've got a bit of a problem
at the Wall... It's a bit nippy... and...

[Jon Snow]
There's fuckin' Whitewalkers!
Shit's crazy, I'm freezin' to death
with thieves and rapers, had to swear off sex.
If I could take it back, I'd take the black,
shove it up Craster's ass, but it's too late for that,
with zombies surgin' south.

[Sam Tarly]
I'm out.

[Jon Snow]
I'm gonna die a virgin now, but wo-day,
they was a wild woman, took me into a cave,
got undressed...

[Sam Tarly]
You saw breasts?

[Jon Snow]
Yeah, and we had cave sex.

[Sam Tarly]
Cave sex?

[Jon Snow]
Yeah, cave sex!

[Sam Tarly]
You knew where to put it!

[Jon Snow]
Oh, cave sex!

[Sam Tarly]
I forgot to send the ravens...

[Jon Snow]
I'm havin' cave sex!

[Sam Tarly]
Cave sex!

[Varys]
Seven hells.

[Robb]
Who is that?

[Robert Baratheon]
It's the Targaryen girl!

[Joffrey]
Sound the alarms!

[Robert Baratheon]
She's come to take back the Seven Kingdoms!

[Robb]
Well, it's more like six kingdoms now.

[Joffrey]
Hide me with the children!

[Robb]
Y'know, since we seceded.

[Joffrey]
I'm pooping!

[Robb]
She should take the other six. Why not?

[Robert Baratheon]
Shut up Joffrey, you weird little shit!

[Daenerys]
I got dragons, bitch.
I started out with nothin' but a shitty
older brother in a Pentos penthouse,
I got pimped out to a Dothraki warlord
with a horde full of slave-takin' thugs,
fuckin' like dogs in public.
Queen of the savages, got three dragon eggs,
ate a gorse heart, took it down, didn't throw up.
Got knocked up but I mistakenly traded in the fate
of the baby and put my hubby in a coma.
Smothered his ass and built a funeral pyre,
took the blood magic witch, burned the bitch alive,
climped inside and frieg eggs awhile
from the ash came my naked ass and three reptiles.
Touchin' my kids?
Betta ask me I'm the motha of dragon, Pyat Pree,
yeah that freak. Y'betta come at me with more than
a manticore f'you wanna blast me.

[Jorah Mormont]
Khaleesi...

[Daenerys]
You got a dirty mouth, yeah,
you best sit down before
I go to town with some Valyrian,
you 'bout to fear me when I turn
and burn this mothafucka to the ground.
I'm Stormborn! Comin' out the flames,
kill the masters, free the slaves,
From Quarth to Braavos and Slaver's Bay
every bitch crackin' whips gonna know my name.

[Jorah Mormont]
Khaleesi...

[Daenerys]
Send a raven to Westeros 'cause I'm puttin'
three dragon in a big-ass boat.
You betta tell the usurpers that I'm comin' home
to take back the realm and the Iron Throne...
Like a hound takes a bitch...
Happy birthday!

---

Teksty umieszczone na naszej stronie są własnością wytwórni, wykonawców, osób mających do nich prawa.