---

[MR. D]
Oh, you're alive
I suppose that's good news for you
But it means a lot more paperwork for me

So don't expect me to be happy to see you
Of course, being alive is temporary

(Spoken)
So, maybe if I go away and play pinochle for a few hours, things might improve. For me. Not for you. You'd be dead.

[PERCY]
(Spoken)
Where am I?

[MR. D]
Great!
You haven't been debriefed
This is way out of my pay grade
Which is saying a lot
'Cause I don't get paid

(Spoken)
Someone find Professor Hay-for-breath and tell him Peter Johnson is awake, so he better clip-clop over here!

[PERCY]
(Spoken)
It's Percy Jackson

[MR. D]
(Spoken)
Whatever!

(Sung)
Just another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day
When you're in charge
It's like you're cursed

(Spoken)
Well, technically I am cursed. One romp in the woods with Zeus' favorite wood nymph, and you're stuck running a summer camp for a bunch of needy half-bloods.

[PERCY]
(Spoken)
Half-blood?

[MR. D]
(Spoken)
Yeah, half-god, half-mortal. Does no one watch the orientation film?

[PERCY]
(Spoken)
Did you say half-god?

[MR D]
(Spoken)
Yeah. And I half-care
Who's next? Silena Beauregard!

[SILENA enters, crying]

Oh, great, she's crying.

[SILENA]
(Spoken)
I was walking in the strawberry fields with Charlie Beckendorf and we were holding hands and everything was totally normal and then I kissed him and all of a sudden he started growing sunflowers. Everywhere!

[MR. D]
Look, kid
I hate to be the one to tell you
But I think that Charlie Beckendorf was also holding hands with a nymph
That doesn't wanna to wish you well

To tell you the truth
The best thing is to break up with the guy

(Spoken)
'Course, who am I to give relationship advice, I'm literally the god of alcohol

[SILENA]
(Spoken)
But he loves me-

[MR. D]
(Spoken)
He loves you not! Next!

(Sung)
Another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day
I'm the god of wine
And I'm dying of thirst

[PERCY]
(Spoken)
Wait, did you say you're a god?

[MR. D]
(Spoken)
Dionysus, god of wine. The gods are real. Yippy skippy.
Ah, Katie Gardner. I see you've injured your arm.

[KATIE]
(Spoken)
I fell off a pegasus (giggles).

[MR. D]
(Spoken)
You don't have flying lessons on Thursdays, you have archery.

[KATIE]
(Spoken)
Those arrows are made of wood! wood comes from trees! I refuse to participate in any activity that encourages the senseless slaughter of our arboreal friends-

[MR. D]
Oh, gods
Give me Ares or Apollo
Anyone but the Demeter kids cabin

Now that you blessed us
Go talk to Hephaestus
Before I take a knife to my head and start stabbing

(Spoken)
And stay away from the pegasi! Girls and ponies...
Ah, speaking of ponies.

[MR. BRUNNER]
(Spoken)
Percy!

[PERCY]
(Spoken)
Mr. Brunner! What are you doing here?
This guy is saying all this crazy stuff about nymphs and gods and...
What is going on?

[MR. BRUNNER]
(Spoken)
It's... complicated-

[MR. D]
Oh kid,
You have no idea
About this place or your former mentor

I don't have time
To fill you in on the details
But look, he's also a centaur

(Spoken)
God!

[MR. BRUNNER is revealed to be CHIRON, and whinnies]

[CHIRON]
(Spoken)
I did mean to tell you...

{MR. D}
Another terrible day
([PERCY]: Mr. Brunner!)
At Camp Half-blood
([PERCY]: You're a horse!)
Where everything's the worst
([PERCY]: What is happening?)

Another terrible day
You can hate it here
But I hated it first

Just another terrible day
Stuck with these runts
In the muck and mud

Another terrible day
Oh gods!

(Speaking)
I need a drink

(Sung)
Enjoy your stay
At Camp Half-blood

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