i could've sworn i smelled you on harlem, so i asked
and you're away at school
and you haven't been back to that station since the night i didn't kiss you back, the night i was sure you'd never loved me, the night i lied, said that the lights were just shining on my eye, that i was fine, that i didn't like you anymore
i think we lied enough for four summers, mostly to ourselves
you, trying hard to let go of someone for whom you burned your skin
and you told them you were over it
but i think i knew the whole time that the only reason i spent the afternoon under your covers was so that prove a point to yourself
but they didn't love you until you gripped my side in front of them
and i hated you both for a minute
and i think for a while you were just my dealer
there were some nights where i felt like crawling out of my window and riding my bike down northwest highway to the shop or to your house
but those feelings are in the past because i've grown out of you and you've grown away from me
the appeal of a constant can no longer exist so neither do my feelings for you
you came over once and we moved my mattress from my bed to my floor
maybe that wasn't you
a lot of the past is unclear and my old emotions are nebulous, memories unfamiliar
i can't even decipher the present
i often find myself watching my body board trains
head feels light, limbs feel heavy
i wrote you a letter in the hospital but i never sent it because my roommate said i sounded infatuated
i wish i could have loved you without showing so much weakness because i know you now, and i wish i never did

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