I wake up, puddle of sweat. I have nightmares and I get back into bed. It’s like these voices just keep playing on repeat in the back of my head. And I can’t keep them to leave me alone, thirty years old but still hates being alone when I’m home. Because that’s when the voices get the loudest. Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest. But these demons keep pressing me, I swear to the foulest. But I’ve grown comfortable with their presence, my conscious is coulees. My dreams are their playground, my thoughts are their palace. I’ve tried to evict them, they returned with more. Anxiety isn’t an item you can return at the store. I was ten the first time I had an panic attack. Like a punch to the stomach there is no planning for that. And I didn’t tell anyone because I was too scared about what they’d say. And I know deep down there was nothing they could do to take it away. It was my fight to fight and my battle to face. I remember that house I grew up in an how these demons would rattle that place. I’d lay awake at night staring at the ceiling. I’ve spend my whole life trying to run from that feeling. That feeling of being lonely, that feeling of being lost, that feeling of being lost when the lights turn off. That feeling of being depressed, that feeling of being anxious. The feeling of screaming to god begging him to take this. Only to get silence in return. I’d lay In that bed crying and I toss and I turn. And I turn and I toss till this day. The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray. I tried both and this anxiety still hasn’t gone away. So forgive me if I fantasize about being gone today. I’m an actor who got really good at being on today. But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows. I’m at the deep end now but I started in the shallows. And I might just drown myself in these waves. So burn me in hell, these homes are all graves. Everyone is coping with something but won’t admit that they all too afraid. And these kids are glued to watching me, what do I say. If I’m honest with them, maybe they wont think highly of me. Everything they want me to be is what I’m dying to be. But everything I really am, is what I’m not trying to be. I want them to know they not alone In their struggles. I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles. And I don’t think I’ll ever get out of this valley. I’m in terrified that all along god is telling my sins. And if he has the number must be astronomic. My life is a joke and you keep reading just past the comic. Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth. I wish I could open up to you and just let loose. But my vocal cords get thight when the devil pulls on this news. And then I’m back at keeping everything bottled up inside. But he’s not gonna keep me from pulling the throttle back this time. He’s not gonna keep me trapped like this. I can’t get out of bed, I was never meant to act like this. I’m packing up my backs and he can’t stop me from running fast like this. I’m not gonna be a slave to these voices of anxiety. I’m showing the devil back for every time that he lied to me. And I’m taking a belt to this demons who whisper to spear my ear. And I’m ignoring every nay-sayer who stands and stares when I’m near. I’m moving forward out of this slum. I took my bruises I took my lumps. I felt down but I got right back up. So give me a torch and just light that up. I’m sending fire to the devil and I’m dousing these demons in gasoline. Look at you now. Now you not laughing at me. Now who’s the one being tortured and plunked. Now who’s the one closing every door that I want. Now who’s the one watching the other burn to the ground. Don’t look away from me, you better turn back around. I’m not done talking to you now. I’m watching you moves. I’m on your back and I’m stalking you too. And when you try to ruin some other kids life I’ll be stopping you too. You took thirty years of my life, and I can’t get that back. You told me to end my life and I nearly got killed for that. You took me down but I bounced right back. I was lost then but I got found like that. Everything you told me I wasn’t, someone new told me I was. And everything you hated in me, someone new told me he loved. And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety. He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me. So I’m done listening to you and let you control me. I’m announcing now that the devil can’t hold me. I’m walking away from the old me, and I’m demanding a refund on every lie that you sold me. You knew I would find a way out sooner or later. And I found my escape in the form of a savior.
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