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I tried hard to find religion
But all I could find was sin
I perched in the church like a pigeon
But I dreamt about women and gin

Please, Baby Jesus, won't you come out to play?
Your plaster good looks are appealing
Your shepherd companions are obviously gay
Won't you please try to show some feelings?

I tried hard to find a woman
But all I could find was a wife
She had me convinced I was no one
And I had her convinced she was right

Please, pretty woman, when you come out to play
Just check your guns at the door
I just want to love you, I don't want to stay
I've already been there before

I tried hard to find a wise man
But all I could find was a fool
With his history books full of lies
And his PhD for a soul

And all of these heroes we struggle to find
Are really just freaks in a circus
They take off their costumes and rewind their minds
And in the end they desert us

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