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i perish in the masses and somehow this gives me
comfort. i feel ashamed; solely in the sorrow of
others i am able to forget. i came to a point where
the discontent of others gives me peace. i feel hatred
for myself the moment i realize my own sadism. i am
feeling shivers. fear of change and an immanent
intrisic ignorance take turns with immaculate
nothingness. in the one moment i degenerate into
panicked stiffness, in the other, through a deep
emotional undertow, i can’t remember the last
time i felt joy or even empathy. over the last while
i thought alot about how enthusiastic i once was.
how i tried to motivate, move and inspire the people
surrounding me.
in reflection of what i decayed into this feels like
a punch in the stomach. my guts and my head hurt,
but maybe that’s through the constant lack of food
and clean water. maybe i’m just to concerned with
my emotional state and should just try to go on
manage stuff somehow.
but i broke and the worst thing is that i am conscious
of it.
i just can’t.

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