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Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag,
To the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg.
As I sat lookin' up the Guinness ad I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout.

I dreamt a dream the other night I couldn't sleep a wink
The rats were tryin' to count the sheep and I was off the drink
There were footsteps in the parlour and voices on the stairs
I was climbin' up the walls and movin' round the chairs.
I looked out from under the blanket up at the fireplace.
The Pope and John F. Kennedy were starin' in me face.*
Suddenly it dawned at me I was getting the old D.T.s
When the Child o' Prague began to dance around the mantlepiece.

Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag,
To the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg.
As I sat lookin' up the Guinness ad I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout.

Well I swore upon the bible I'd never touch a drop.
My heart was palpitatin' I was sure 'twas going to stop,
Thinkin' I was dyin' I gave my soul to God to keep.
A tenner to St. Anthony to help me get some sleep.
I fell into an awful nightmare – got a dreadful shock.
When I dreamt there was no Duty-free at the airport down in Knock.
George Seawright was sayin' the rosary and SPUC were on the pill.**
Frank Patterson was gargled and he singin' Spancil Hill.

Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag,
To the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg.
As I sat lookin' up the Guinness ad I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout.

I dreamt that Mr. Haughey had recaptured Crossmaglen
Then Garret got re-elected and gave it back again.
Dick Spring and Roger Casement were on board the Marita-Ann
As she sailed into Fenit they were singin' Banna Strand.
I dreamt Archbishop McNamara was on Spike Island for 3 nights
Havin' been arrested for supportin' Traveller's rights.
I dreamt that Ruairi Quinn was smokin' marijuana in the Dail
Barry Desmond handin' Frenchies out to scuts in Fianna Fail.

Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag,
To the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg.
As I sat lookin' up the Guinness ad I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout.

I dreamt of Nell McCafferty and Mary Kenny too
The things that we got up to, but I'm not tellin' you.
I dreamt I was in a jacuzzi along with Alice Glenn
'twas then I knew I'd never ever, ever drink again.

Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag,
To the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg.
As I sat lookin' up the Guinness ad I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout.
.................................................................
[In Christy's live versions, the previous 2 verses are replaced with the following; ]

I dreamt I was in ecstacy in Heaven, and in agony in Hell,
I was bored in Limbo and then I was in Purgatory as well
And there was original sins and venial sins and mortal sins by the score
So I tied barbed wire around my underpants and flagellated myself on the floor
Then I dreamt I was in the confessional box and the auld Bishop said to me;
‘Any impure thoughts, my child?'
Sure the f**king barbed wire was killin' me!
And then I dreamt I was in the jacuzzi with that auld hoor from No. 10
And then I knew I'd never ever, ever drink again.

* – In later versions, Jack Charlton gets a mention!
** – Ian Paisley was sayin' the rosary and Mother Teresa was on the pill

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