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Every Fall when the leaves turn brown
Friday evening rolls around
I sit down in my TV chair
And my face assumes a TV stare
Goodbye world, goodbye family
It's football time

It's highlight films of last week's games
Commercials starring big league names
Analysis of all the plays
Picking the winners for Saturday
Interviews with the stars
Interviews with the waterboy
Interviews with the fullback's grandmother

On Saturday it's do or die
For dear old Siwash will defy, the enemy to dim our stars
Who have their eyes on brand new cars
Thank God for scholarships
Thank God for alumni
Thank God for the School of Education

Now my poor wife has got it rough
'Cause Saturdays would be enough
But Sunday's a tale she knows too well
A double header in the NFL
She says I don't listen to her
Said she was going to Reno
Sounded to me like a new formation

Now half time shows with pretty girls
In little short skirts and long blond curls
But who's got time for majorettes
When NBC has got the Jets
And I just can't afford two sets
But don't fret Jets
With four hundred thousand dollars for Namath
And two hundred thousand for Huarte
You can spend them to death

The terminology is giving me fits
It's red-dogs, cornerbacks, double safety blitz
Jitterbugging, automatic, submarine, zip
Zig-out, down-and-out, collarbone, hip
Listen to the huddle
Hear the quarterback say
"Tucker, just take that ball and run for your life
It's your turn to be on instant replay"

Well, as I sat there sipping beer
A shoe came whistling by my ear
A bullet pass, I really mean it went right through the TV screen
My wife was laughing hysterically
I said "Don't worry honey,
I can have it fixed by next Saturday"

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