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CHOIRGIRL:
Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life,
Husband joined to wife.
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.

PAUL:
Today is for Amy,
Amy, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Amy,
My happily soon-to-be wife.

AMY:
Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things to do, and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know, the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
But I thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all,
Now it's back to the showers,
Don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.

CHOIRGIRL:
Bless this day,
Tragedy of life,
Husband yoked to wife.
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day.

AMY:
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for, a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--
So listen, thanks a bunch,
But I'm not getting married--
Go have lunch,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
You've been grand,
But I'm not getting married--
Don't just stand there,
I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.

Go, can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye,
Go and cry
At another person's wake.
If you're quick,
For a kick,
You could pick
Up a christening,
But please,
On my knees,
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage--
I'm not well,
So I'm not getting married--
You've been swell,
But I'm not getting married--
Clear the hall,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
Thank you all,
But I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.

CHOIRGIRL:
Bless this bride,
Totally insane,
Slipping down the drain.
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.

PAUL:
Today is for Amy

AMY:
Go, can't you go?

PAUL:
Amy, I give you the rest of my life

AMY:
Look, you know
I adore you all
But why
Watch me die,
Like Eliza on the ice?

PAUL:
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever

AMY:
Look, perhaps
I'll collapse
In the apse
Right before you all,

PAUL:
Today is for Amy, my happily, soon-to-be wife

AMY:
So take
Back the cake,
Burn the shoes
and boil the rice.

Look, I didn't wanna have to My adorable
tell you, but I may be coming Wife.
down with Hepatitis, and I
think I'm gonna faint, so if
you wanna see me faint, I'll
do it happily, but wouldn't
it be funnier to go and watch
a funeral, so thank you for the
twenty-seven dinner plates,
thirty-seven butter knives,
forty-seven paperweights,
fifty-seven candleholders--

PAUL:
One more thing--

AMY:
I am not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

PAUL:
Softly said--

AMY:
But I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

PAUL:
With this ring--

AMY:
Still I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

PAUL:
I thee wed.

AMY:
See, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

PAUL/AMY:
Let us pray/Let us pray
That we are getting married/That I'm not getting married
Today!/Today!

CHOIR:
AMEN!!!

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