---

[RICH]
Freshman year
Didn't have a girlfriend or a clue
I was a loser just like you
Good times would only
Soar by

I was gross
As every female would attest
My sexting was a futile quest
My little penis was depressed
He was so lonely
Poor guy

I was hopeless, hopeless
I was helpless, helpless
Every time I walked the hallway I would trip
I was stagnant and idle
I was so suicidal and then, then, then
Then, then, then, then, then
Then, then, then, then,
Then I got a Squip

[JEREMY]
You got quick?

[RICH]
Not quick. Squip.

[JEREMY]
I've just never heard of it before.

[RICH]
That's the point. This is some top-secret-can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit.

It's from Japan
It's a grey, oblong pill
Quantum nanotechnology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
Will travel through your blood until
It implants in your brain and tells you what to do

[JEREMY]
So... It's like drugs?

[RICH]
It's better than drugs, Jeremy.

It's from Japan
It's a grey, oblong pill
Quantum nanotechnology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
Will travel through your blood until
It implants in your brain and tells you what to do
It tells you what to do

It's pre-programmed
It's amazing
Speaks to you directly

You behave as
It's appraising
Helps you act correctly

Helps you to be cool
Helps you rule

Picture this
Nobody cares if you are late
'Cause even teachers think you're great
Your weekend's just a full-on slate
Of blowout benders
Of teenage rockstar splendors

Right now you're helpless, helpless
You are almost hopeless
On the school social map you're just a blip
But if you take my advice and if you
Pay the listed price, well then you
Go from sad, to interesting, to hip
Yeah, your whole life will flip
When you buy a squip

Hey, yeah, a squip
Yeah, yeah, a squip
A-ah a squip

No longer a drip when you've got in your grip
A squip
A squip
A squip

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