This morning I woke up in a jail cell. Next to an aluminum toilet and a pile of insecurities. I've never felt so small. I just thought that we were past this. Staring through the bars, sleeping on cinderblocks. My greatest fear is that I will never change. That I have become a criminal. Can you expel the urges? Can you let go for once? I ask myself these same questions over and over again. But I never know the answers. Even upon release I am held captive by my own thoughts and feelings. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Its never ending. When will I regain enough strength to control my own defects? Can you expel these urges? Can you make me okay? No. No one can. Now i finally see. Serenity where are you now? Help me accept the things I cannot change. Give me the courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. I refuse to be like this forever. I refuse to be me. I want to be someone else. I want control. Teach me to turn my will over and surrender. There will always be prison bars. Sometimes real and sometimes in figment. I cannot always tell if they are locking me in or if they are locking me out. Why do I do this to myself?

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